Sunday, August 14, 2005

Sunday evening mumbles

Very busy day today, with an ordination at our late service. Lots of visitors, denominational leaders, friends of the ordinand, etc. I wish I had felt more festive. I just finished some work at my old job, the job I held before starting seminary. Being back made me realize how glad I am to have taken the leap of faith to start school, but it also made me wish, somehow, that I could have been happy with what I had--the steady income, etc. There are some great people there, but my passions in life are just different. Not better, not worse, just different.

I am very tired today, and feeling a loneliness deep in my bones. One of our members posted, to a private church site, an impassioned plea for focus and attention for HIV/AIDS ministry, a plea to 'end silence.' It's a sign of how tired I am that I read his plea and wept--I wanted to say, but there are so MANY silences, so many secrets that people carry, so many of us, even those who are lucky enough not to be affected by HIV, who need to give and receive support. Somehow this one 'silence' seems, to many, to be THE one that matters.

My reaction is, I am sure, a message to me, about me, about my own difficulties in asking for support in times of weariness. Sometimes it just seems too hard in church, too risky, too much like my childhood, when there was always someone in the family whose need was greater and more important than any of mine. After all, what need do I have that could possibly trump HIV? Any more than it could trump the constant and genuine crises in my family? Even the terminology--the word 'trump'--is from childhood, because there was never enough to go around, and life felt like a constant triage system, where the only way to receive was to have the most desperate need.

So, tonight, I spent time outside with the dogs, and time inside cuddling the wolfhound, and resting. It has been a long few weeks and I need some quiet meditation time, some laughter, some putting-myself-at-the-top-of-my-own-prayer-list. Selfish though that be. If we don't take care of ourselves, no one else will!


Blogger Jen said...

Hey, Terri! Great to find your blog! :)

I don't think it's selfish that you want/need to take some time for yourself. I find when things get busy or stressful or nasty, I'm the first person to be knocked off my list of things to look after - and then everything else suffers as a result.

1:20 PM  
Blogger Eliza said...

Dunno if Blogspot shows you old comments like Typepad or not, or why I never read your archives sooner, but I'm heavily-drugged and surfing the innernet, so LOOK out! What you said about "trumping" needs really resonated with me. My mother was a nurse, a good nurse, who was loved and lauded by her patients, but treated her own daughter like an annoying reminder of a terrible mistake, and I was never HAPPY to be hurt or sick, but I do remember thinking "oooooh I think this is bad enough that she'll pay attention to me for a minute!" as a sort of mental consolation prize I'd award myself...sigh. In the beginning for some but the end for all, you really do have to look out for you, yourself.

5:02 PM  

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