Monday, March 13, 2006

Procrastination Station here...

I am *supposed* to be working on my final for Introduction to Christian Religious Education. Which is a course that has taught me greatly but has also reinforced my existing perception that I am not in any sense called to be a Christian Religious Educator. I am slogging through a paper that I am basically making up out of whole cloth. And attempting to tie to readings. Even thinking about it is putting me to sleep. Gah.

So also meanwhile I am slogging through a mess at church. Miscommunication/lack of communication/misunderstandings/triangulation/you name it. Somehow a proposed mandatory workshop for staff and board members to review the church's covenant and help us know how to live it, turned into a weekend retreat out of town. I had, upon even getting wind of this possibility, emailed to say, overnight is something I cannot do. Had gotten no acknowledgment of my communication, then got an email saying, here is the plan, here is what WE are doing. Which hit me at the wrong time--I had a splitting headache and a ton on my mind, and I was mad, so responded perhaps more quickly than wisely; got an ambiguous response that made me feel no better; responded to that, and was ultimately treated to a full-bore "venting session" from my boss, which was full of accusations, assumptions of my intent, global "you" statements -- you know, the ever-effective "you always" and "you never," along with a whole BUNCH of statements about how this person, that person, the Russian army, their boots, and their horses, were angry and dissatisfied with my work. As my boss is also someone dear to me whose opinions I value, I took every word as gospel truth.

What a mess. It was all I could do to even walk in on Sunday, having been primed to believe everyone was mad at me. My boss and friend thinks I am paranoid and has no sense that his explosion might have engendered such a feeling. I am, perhaps, oversensitive, but my Lord I hate this style of "venting." I felt slashed to ribbons, undermined, devastated. Unfortunately, the guys at church apparently think "venting" in this way is healthy.

Have only touched the tip of the iceberg on this. I think my friend and I have repaired the friendship, and I have asked for a meeting with the entire senior staff, in one room at one time, to clarify expectations about my work performance. I want to at least try to cut through the triangulation. We shall see if it happens and how it goes.

Back to my damn paper. Gotta make up a couple more pages.


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